Shrugs!

"Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautifulI know
I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"

Last Thrusday I thought to myself... Only 25 more days to complete a full year! Then, I thought how ironic it would be if 2 days later he broke up with me. Well, guess I should watch out for what I think 'cause that almost happened...
His reasoning... in a year or two we will break up anyway, so we might as well do it now before we have more history together.
Okay, hold on now, don't we have that already? Why ruin something that is wonderful and make it hard since he's still here, all around me, and when time comes, he really will be gone and it will be easier to get over it... Why would I want to end something that is so great and working so well? What it really looked like was that New Year's was coming and he wanted to party with his friends... He begged to differ... It wasn't that, he still loved me and said sorry... I told that this time it would take more than just sorry this time...
Although everything was perfect on the next day and we are talking on the phone normally, I'm still feeling insecure, and I guess I'll have to wait until we are face to face again to really get things straight. If the situation was different, not being mushy on the phone, not telling that he loves me on the phone and silly things like that wouldn't matter. But in this context, where he betrayed my trust, I need to be constanly reminded of those silly things and feel that loosing me would be a great loss to him.
I've been down this road once and I don't wanna feel again that someone is with me just because it is more secure and right now that's how I've been feeling.
Harsh. Very harsh. I'm jaded, frustraded and starting to belive that it will be a long run until I'm able to really have someone completely with me.
Maybe he really thought about the future and began asking what for, maybe his friends started to allure him with how wonderful the old single days were. Heck if I care. Really, in the long run, it doesn't matter the reason, the result is what bugging me right now.
I want everything I had back; to be able to be loving and caring, to say all the time that I love him and hear it back not because it is just a reply, but because he really means it. I don't feel that right now, I'm heart broken and I hope I can mend this sometime soon...