My own worse enemy

"So what am I?
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own"

It's easy to point out other's problems, but when it comes to my own, I'm a total failure. Well, giving a second thought, I know what my problem is, but I just can't solve it. I almost hate myself. My best relationship with my mother is when I'm as far as possible from her, I cannot look myself in the fucking mirror, and yet, I keep eatting like a fucking whore.
So, whats wrong with me? My best friend is skin and bones, lives on a liquid diet, and here I am, listening to her complaining of how fat she is while having a fucking flat stoamach and when I look at myself in the mirror I feel disgusted. And still can't stop eatting. It doesn't matter how much I work out, I won't lose any weight because I still eat and I hate myself for that.
My father struggles to sell this house, we barely have money to eat, well, at least I got a job now. I could die now. Its about time, isn't it? No daughter to argue with, one less mouth at the table, one less nasty, disgusting bitch. I couldn't ever bring myself to kill me, I know how wrong that is.
Sometimes I wish I was ignorant enough to not know this and just get it over with. Or at least have the guts to stick my finger down my throw. I'm done with myself, I'm tired of trying to be strong about every fucking little that is happening, I'm falling apart already, and for Christ's sake, I wanna fall apart, I a fucking weak human being.
Call me weak, call me stupid, I know I'm all of these things, I want to change, but right know I don't know what to do. Tuesday I gotta go to court and face that insane that hit me during that stupid party. CAN'T WAIT! Maybe she'll hit me again, that would be so fun! I'm stressed, upset, depressed, nobody notices, why would they? I cry for any fucking reason, right?
Here I am, in my own little dark room where no one will find me.

From: Wolf
To: "Angry Girl"
Subject: Hello
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 06:19:19 -0700


Yeah I'm here. Alive at least. I got stung by a damn bee in my car this morning. I squashed that little bitch into the ground though. :) . Fuckin hand still hurts. why would I need to practice another language? Your the only girl I know that I'd be able to speak it with and of course your not here for me to talk to directly. :( . Hows school and work comming along? Are you being a "good girl" lol. Had to say that. I saw an old picture of us at christmas the other day. I imagine your twice the beautiful woman you used to be. Hopefully one day I will be able to see that woman again and maybe have a little chat with her. :)
>Which reminds me .. COME BACK TO THE STATES ALREADY!
> >:P
>
>Love ya,
> Wolf

"As Asas de Ângela"
É atribuído a um Espírito

"Eu aprendi que não posso exigir o amor de ninguém.

Posso apenas dar boas razões para que gostem de mim, e ter paciência para que a vida faça o resto; que não importa o quanto certas coisas são importantes para mim, tem gente que não dá a mínima, e jamais conseguirei convencê-las; que posso passar anos construindo uma verdade, e destruí-la em apenas alguns segundos.

Eu aprendi que posso usar o meu charme por apenas 15 minutos; depois disso, preciso saber do que estou falando; que posso fazer algo em um minuto, e ter que responder por isso o resto da vida; que por mais que você corte um pão em fatias, este pão continua tendo duas faces, e o mesmo vale para tudo que cortamos de nosso caminho.

Eu aprendi que vai demorar muito para me transformar na pessoa que quero ser, e devo ter paciência; que posso ir além dos limites que eu própria me coloquei; que preciso escolher entre controlar meu pensamento, ou ser controlada por ele.

Eu aprendi que os heróis são pessoas que fazem o que acham que devem fazer naquele momento, independente do medo que sentem; que perdoar exige muita prática; que há muita gente que gosta de mim, mas que não consegue expressar isso.

Eu aprendi que, nos momentos mais difíceis, a ajuda veio justamente daquela pessoa que eu achava que ia tentar piorar minha vida; que posso ficar furiosa, tenho o direito de me irritar, mas não tenho o direito de ser cruel; que jamais posso dizer a uma criança que seus sonhos são impossíveis. Será uma tragédia para o mundo se eu consigo convencê-la disso.

Eu aprendi que meu melhor amigo vai me machucar de vez em quando, e que tenho que me acostumar com isso; que não é o bastante ser perdoada pelos outros, eu preciso me perdoar primeiro; que não importa o quanto meu coração esteja sofrendo, o mundo não vai parar por causa disso.

Eu aprendi que as circunstâncias de minha infância são responsáveis pelo que sou, mas não pelas escolhas que fiz quando adulta; que numa briga, eu preciso escolher de que lado estou, mesmo quando não quero me envolver; que, quando duas pessoas discutem, não significa que elas se odeiam. E, quando duas pessoas não discutem, não significa que elas se amam.

Eu aprendi que por mais que eu queira proteger meus filhos, eles vão se machucar, e eu também serei machucada, isso faz parte da vida; que minha existência pode mudar para sempre em poucas horas, por causa de gente que nunca vi antes; que diplomas na parede não me fazem mais respeitável ou mais sábia.

Eu aprendi que a palavra amor perde o seu sentido quando usada sem critério; que certas pessoas vão embora de qualquer maneira; que é difícil traçar uma linha entre ser gentil, não ferir as pessoas, e saber lutar pelas coisas que eu acredito.

Eu aprendi que: Se eu me amar posso ser feliz."

To do List

* Sell my house
* Apply for the green card lottery
* Update my pc
* Save up more money
* More money
* Start my portfolio
* Apply for scholarships on California
* More money
* Be happy!

Cali...

"Someday,
When my life has passed me by
I lay around and wonder why you were always there for me
One way,
In the eyes of a passerby
I look around for another try
And fade away
Just close your eyes and I'll take you there
This place is warm without a care
We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea
I go to leave and you reach for me
Some say,
better things will come our way
no matter what they try to say
you were always there for me
Someway,
When the sun begins to shine
I hear a song from
another time
And fade away
And fade away
Someone said you tried to long
Someone said we got it all
Someone said we tried to long
Is there a place where I belong
So far, so long
so far away
so far, so wrong
so far away
Away, away..."

This song reminds me of California... I wonder how Ashley is doing...

What the night brings to us

In the past weekend I went to Sirena and had a blast. I met this guy from Rio de Janeiro and we hooked up... no biggie... he wanted my phone number and said he was going to visit me b/c his cousin lives here... yeah, right, I've been wainting him to call...
Yesterday I went out in town and it was one of the best nights I had...
I danced all night long and kept running into people that I haven't seen in ages...
* Stupid thing of the night:
Here I was, just walking around when I see a familiar face...
Next scene: That stupid asshole who I thought wasn't going to show up eventually did... the problem was, I had already made out with the first guy, which happens to be the asshole's sister's ex... Isn't my actions funny? I really thought he wasn't going to show up, otherwise I wouldn't have hooked up with the guy in the first place...
Well, when I saw him that night (thank God I was alone and he have no idea what hapened) he came to say hello and he was all "How you'doin", and then this other guy started joking saying that he saw me kissing someone... I think he got mad with that, b/c I was supposed to see him today and he simply disappear...
I know that he's GAY! One time he's all over me, and in the next moment he pretends that nothing happened...
Aside from that, I'm loving my job, I'm having so much fun lately, and I can't wait for the end of 2004... here I go again... :P

Sex songs?

Ben Harper - Sexual Healing
Matchbox - Disease (accoustic)
U2 - In a Little While
Puddle of Mudd - Blurry
Audioslave - Like a Stone
Live - Dolphin's Cry
Santana & Chad Groeger - Why don't you and I
Fiona Apple - Criminal
3 Doors Down - When I'm gone
Gavin Rossdale - Adrenaline
Marlin Manson - Sweet Dreams
Ja Rule - Murder