*sigh*

"Why do you do this to me?
You penetrate right through me
Every time I wind up back at your door

No need to cry about it
I may just die without it
Every time I wind up back at your door"

I hate you.

Infatuation

Baby, I don’t want to spend my life on trial
For something that I did not do
And maybe if you stopped and looked around some time
I wouldn’t pass right by you

Maybe it’s because you are so insecure
Maybe your pain don’t care
Maybe it’s the chase that really gets me off
I fall so when it’s just not there

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would've been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

Try to put my finger on what burns me up
It always seems to escape me
And when you have decided that you’ve had enough
Just tell me where I need to be

Now I'm facing something that I've never had
To ever deal with before
She left me with the feeling that she’d had enough
And I’m the one wanting more

Burn another bridge, break another heart
Try again, it will only fall apart

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would've been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
And I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)

I’m so attracted to you
The feeling’s mutual too
And I get scared the moment you leave
Get so hot I forget to breathe, yeh

Infatuation
Not seeing the rest of you is getting the best of me
It’s such a shame that you shot me down
It would've been nice to be around
I’m touching your skin
If it’s only a fantasy, then why is it killing me?
I guess this must be infatuation (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Ooh (I want it…)
Yeh… (I want it…)

More of the same

On another note, I wonder has my lovely boyfriend really changed? Is this humiliation worth the while? Can I really belive and trust him? Should I even be asking this questions? Ok, I know, if I feel the need to ask, then I shouldn't be with him, but the truth is I'm still trying to figure out where's the right and the wrong in this situation...

Procrastination

I don't know why, but I always had this problem with starting a new school or a new job; I just don't wanna do it. I didn't wanna start working but now that I did, I'm so excited about it, there are so many cool projects waiting to be done... Although, it's City Hall, and I'll probably end up not doing anything at all...
There are so many things going on right now, with work, my transference test, school work and now this contest that I really want to participate that I feel that sleeping is so overrated. Actually, my mind thinks that, but my body disagrees and all hell breaks lose in bed. It's just so horrible, I end up waking up and feeling awfully tired. I know it's anxiety and I need to learn to control that but it's much easier said than done...

Retrospect

I went back to the beginning of this blog and started reading my first posts. It is so funny and embarrassing at the same time! Either I'm whinning about this guy who I spent most of my life in love with or I'm trashing men in general.
The funny thing is that I got over all of my boyfriends way faster that I got over this guy. Sometimes, I'm not even sure if I'm completely over him because until this day, he's present in my life. On top of that, after the last facts, I started wondering if I had made the right choices in the past. All I know is that things are different now, I'm more mature and have a different view from all of it. I can say I was more emotion driven back then and now I rationalize more.
I guess if I was anyone else, I'd think I was really man-dependant. Maybe I never really cared for blogging when things were good, I've always wanted to write when I needed to get something off my chest. Unfortunatelly, it has always been love-related, lol.
I still write about the same "topic" (sort of), but I think my problems are more mature. I'm well aware of the decisions I have to make now and maybe I don't whine that much...? Anyway, I belive that the good thing about this blog is that I can always look back and see who stupid I was and avoid the same mistakes... lol

What's in it for me?

I don't think it's fair having to compete with perfectly photoshoped Playboy girls and hot hookers that for only 200 bucks you can get. What can I possibly offer? I'm no match for that and never will be...
I always thought that if I ever got cheated on I'd get up and leave. The joke's on me, since that happened and it seems like I lost my moral compass. I'd guess my mental and emotional ones too. And never, have I considered it would've been with a prostitute. Part of me thinks I chose to stay because it sounds so surreal that it not really true. Yet, I don't know if I should feel relieved that it had no feelings envolved or feel like shit because it was something carefully planned.
I used to dye my hair everytime a relationship went sour and I needed to feel refreshed. This time, I dyed because I didn't feel like myself. I felt a void, like a part of me died and now, it is like I turned on the automatic pilot.
It's been three weeks since I found out and I'm trying to get on with my life, trying to pretend it's all a bad dream, finding myself from time to time crying or wondering what's in it for me. I thought about if cheating too would make me feel better, but just the though of it made me feel filthy because nobody is worth enough me degrading myself like that.
A good thing about this was that all I kept inside and was unable to say I was finally able to verbalize. For a moment, it seemed more that I had little reason to stay. At the same time, it'a unconceivable that I invested three years in nothing. There's gotta be a reason why I stayed this long, right?
Perhaps, for some strange reason, I had to go through all this so I can get in a happy place with the love of my life. But would the love of my life do THIS to me? Then again, this ain't a fairytale where people are perfect and flawless. I never thought I'd be the cheated woman that stayed...
From time to time, I do ask myself if it's worth the while. The night I found out everything I saw somebody break down in a way I didn't think it was possible and that, also, made me stay.Maybe, it was be just being naive and wanting to have something good left, but at least if this really goes down the drain I'll know I gave it a try, for myself.

o.O

"There goes the dreams we used to say
There goes the time we spent away
There goes the love I had but you cheated on me
And thats worth that now
There goes the house we made a home
There goes you'll never leave me alone
For all the lies you told
This is what you owe"