Shrugs!

"Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautifulI know
I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want"

Last Thrusday I thought to myself... Only 25 more days to complete a full year! Then, I thought how ironic it would be if 2 days later he broke up with me. Well, guess I should watch out for what I think 'cause that almost happened...
His reasoning... in a year or two we will break up anyway, so we might as well do it now before we have more history together.
Okay, hold on now, don't we have that already? Why ruin something that is wonderful and make it hard since he's still here, all around me, and when time comes, he really will be gone and it will be easier to get over it... Why would I want to end something that is so great and working so well? What it really looked like was that New Year's was coming and he wanted to party with his friends... He begged to differ... It wasn't that, he still loved me and said sorry... I told that this time it would take more than just sorry this time...
Although everything was perfect on the next day and we are talking on the phone normally, I'm still feeling insecure, and I guess I'll have to wait until we are face to face again to really get things straight. If the situation was different, not being mushy on the phone, not telling that he loves me on the phone and silly things like that wouldn't matter. But in this context, where he betrayed my trust, I need to be constanly reminded of those silly things and feel that loosing me would be a great loss to him.
I've been down this road once and I don't wanna feel again that someone is with me just because it is more secure and right now that's how I've been feeling.
Harsh. Very harsh. I'm jaded, frustraded and starting to belive that it will be a long run until I'm able to really have someone completely with me.
Maybe he really thought about the future and began asking what for, maybe his friends started to allure him with how wonderful the old single days were. Heck if I care. Really, in the long run, it doesn't matter the reason, the result is what bugging me right now.
I want everything I had back; to be able to be loving and caring, to say all the time that I love him and hear it back not because it is just a reply, but because he really means it. I don't feel that right now, I'm heart broken and I hope I can mend this sometime soon...

Human????

I'm very convinced that's very complicated and also weird to be a humam being. I guess I was not meant to be one, or, I was so long not human that I'm having a hard time with managing this whole breathing, having body odors, sicknesses, growing nails and hair, breath, body fat, PMS, an so on.
Like, when you get sick and then you need to go to a lab to pee in a cup, I mean, come on, how nasty is that? Then, need to clip my nails, get my hair cut, use deodorant (please!), deal with general body odors, specially period odor (naaaaaaaasty). Take vitamins, the pill, floss my teeth, use moisturizer, wax all the extra hair, having to eat healthy food... And when we die our body becomes a mess, the hair and nails continue to grow... Aaaaaargh, that's why I want to be cremated!

"My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake...
Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses"

No imagination

Inside a bus, during work, in my bed... that's when I feel like writing! Amazing! I'll never get out everything that I want when I need...
Well, let me see, the last thing that has happened... actually it was been happening for as long as I've been dating. It's all fine and perfect, really, but since nothing is perfect in life my relationship has an expiration date and something tells me its gonna be a year from now. And as much as I know that there is somebody for me and somebody else out there for both of us, it is very hard to understand or even accept.
How can something that is so perfect not meant to be? Really, somebody explain that to me! Sometimes I wish we've never met... then again, this is going to be the only really decent and good relationship that I'll be able to remember for the rest of my life... Then what? I guess it would be easier to end if it was a shitty relationship, I wouldn't feel guilty nor have this feeling of complete loss...
At least I know I'm not alone in this and for whatever is worth... We'll see how this is going to end...

What now

It's amazing how for every period of my life there is a song for it, and right now, this is it. And it's a happy song! And it's really me, I feel good. I guess that now I'm okay. :)

So Far Away
This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I,I must be sleeping
Chorus:Now that we're here
Its so far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vainAnd all the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here, I'ts so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed
To be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing okay
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before
Somebody shake me
Cause II must be sleeping
Chorus:Now that we're here
Its so far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
And all the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here, Its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed
To be the person that I am today
I’m so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Chorus:Now that we're here
Its so far away
All the struggle
We thought was in vain
And all the mistakes
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here, Its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can forgive
And I’m not ashamed
To be the person that I am today

Arrrrrgh!

I DO NOT WANNA BE A MOMMY!!
I DO NOT WANNA BE A MOMMY!!
I DO NOT WANNA BE A MOMMY!!
I DO NOT WANNA BE A MOMMY!!
Did I make myself clear?
Like usual, there is so much to say, so little time, and yet, I have forgotten everything.
I've been with the man of my dreams and yet I've been told that he's not mine. Okay, what's up with that?? How can something feel so damn right and YET is not supposed to be? I'm very pissed about that. Though, I must confess that sometimes I feel just a friendship coming on... But, couldn't it be BECAUSE what I've been told? Confusing, very confusing.
For now, I'll just enjoy the perfection in my life and we'll see about the future later.
I'm very tired of work; as the work itself. I want to work with what I really want, not this, well, at least not at the place I am right now. It's overwhelming!! Gotta a test tomorrow... If you're not happy with something, you gotta do something about it, just complaining won't work so I'm taking matters into action!
Well, that's life, I did have important statements to make to myself.
::shrugs:: Who cares, I'm the only one who reads this anyway! LOL
Well, off I go... wanna watch so senseless tv... be back someday....

I gotta fix this big time... I haven't had time to come around to it. I even got some things to write... yey! For now, just a song that I've been addicted to...
3 Doors Down - Here without You
A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me