Maybe 3...

I'm getting the heck outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only When I Sleep

You're only just a dream boat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast

But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep

And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappeared
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm working through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep

It's reaching through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast
But it's only when I sleep...

Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian high
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian high

I can't thank enough!

When I walked to the club last night and I sae Felipe I couldn't belive my eyes. He's from the country and we used to meet in Ilhabela every vacation until I was 17... I had the longest crush on him since I was 13. But hey, life goes on, we live way too apart from each other and I'd never work out. So we went on with our lives, my father sold the house we had in Ilhabela and I never got the chance to see him again, until last night...
I had my night all planned. Went to the movies with my sisters and a friend and go home and sleep. I don't know why, but by the end of the movie I started to have this feeling on my guts that I HAD to go out. My friend coincidently called me and we ended up going out at 1am!! As afraid as we were of not getting in, I was sure that we were going to and THAT was the club, I didn't wanna go any place else. And the ironic thing is that I don't really like that club, specially on Saturday.
As I walked closer to the door I saw him. I frozed up, my legs started to shake and I felt tingling all over... It was so weird. What was he doing here??? We finally talked and he told me that his college plus a bunch of others were playing in town. He got in with my and my friend and we spent the whole night together, I was so thrilled about it, couldn't belive what was happening. He left with me and after I dropped off my friend at her house we went to the school they were staying... and it was on my street!! I spent the night with him, and in oh, so many ways!! Hahahha... Not to be a hypocrit, I wanted, so did he, I don't owne anythying to anybody and who knows when I might see him again? No regrets, it was one of the best nights of my life even with the people on the dorms playing drums and all... I got home around 8:30am, they ended up getting kicked out of town and had to leave early.
He gave me his phone number. I'll probably call him sometime this week, after all I don't wanna loose touch. I know this is not going anywhere, but who cares, the moment was sooooo worth it! I love it! I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful present from God. But thank You, God!!!!!! I can't thank enough!

New me

When I was a teenager I used to be authentic, used to dress up uniquely, used to be myself. I don't know why, but after I went to the US I lost that identity. Maybe b/c I felt like I "had to blend" there, I had to fit, b/c it wasn't my home and even when I came back I was just the same.
Before that, everytime I broke up with some one or that I thought that I need a change I'd dye my hair red. Okay, it was always the same colour (well, once I dyed black...), but for me it ment a turning point on whatever was going on. I also remember I had my own way to dress up, sometimes I was wearing all black, other time I would have a skirt on with little chinese shoes and a coat, very girly!! But I was always my way...
Today I decided I had to go back to that, it was fun, and even when I would dress up weirdly I was happy about it, b/c it was different. It never was something bizarr like pink hair, weird clothes. I dyed my hair and had my sister to cut my bangs and had my toe and finger nails done. Chocolate, a light brown. And then you say... SO? Well, I've always hated dark nails, and NEVER, EVER had my toes done. And just to allow myself to do so, I've changed. It feels great. Its retarded, I know, but who cares.... :)

"Love comes and goes and often it has paused. Then it comes back to see the damage it has caused"
It came tonight.

Fuck it...

Almost 3 months without talking, seeing or even hearing about Pedro. It was too good to be true of course. I saw him today at the College Games WITH A GIRL. How nice. She was really short, so guess it might have been his ex... well, not so ex now...
I don't know, I wanna belive also that it was his ex, I guess it hurts less... I just so hate this whole situation, I wish I was over him, it would have been a whole lot easier, but instead, I'm still in love with him, completely. Guys come and go and he's still on my mind. The ironic thing is that I thought about him a couple of days ago and when I told my friend she said that i could've been just lonely and I told her it wasn't it, I really missed him, and tonight I hat that confirmed.
I'm such a pathetic looser... I'm in love with a stupid guy who doesn't love me back. Okay. It's official, I hate myself for that.
Fuck it, fuck him, fuck what feel for him. Fuck it all.

Finally!!

I don't have much to say besides that I kissed... We'll see. I'm happy with that already.

Every fucking time...

I really thought that suddenly i was going to see my weight change. Its been the same forever!! I thought I was going to loose some, but didn't. Now, the cool thing is that even though I haven't loose weight I gained more muscles and lost fat. Good job for me then. SInce its been working for the past year screw the scale and I'm keeping the same routine I have. I don't mind if it takes forever until I gain the shape I want, I'm not going to loose 8609509507kg all in once to gain it all back later. Slowly muscles starts to show and fat starts to disappear, clothes come loose and I come happier than ever. Thats what matters, right? Not much people noticed this, maybe just my sister, actually, but I know that next summer I'll feel more confortable on the beach and I'll finally use small bikinis (not that huge thing I've wore in the past summer). I don't care if people say I was okay before, okay is not good enough for me, plus, I'm doing this for myself, not anybody else.
Its not the fact that I'll look better that counts, but the fact that I got my sorry ass up and DID something to change what made me feel bad. Yey for me! :)