Nothing That's how I feel, like I'm nothing. I don't have a job, I didn't get in college, and, on top of that, today I was reminded by one more person that my love life is going down the drain and that in a matter of a couple of months my boyfriend will be my ex, lauching to a new and exciting life across the country. Oh, yeah, that's just wonderful. I've spent the last few months studying like a bitch for nothing and listening to people telling me that I'd surely get in. Really? I did not wanna spend another year doing this all over again. Oh yeah, and there's also that guy, that used to be my friend has been around me again and I confess I only let him because I'm angry that my boyfriend is leaving and we're breaking up... In a way, it is a way of revenge, wrong I know, but I admit feeling this way... I don't care, I just wish I didn't have to be like this, I wouldn't even be talking to him... fuck it, I don't want him either, specially after what he's done to me and oh yes, he still has a girlfriend, how nice is that? I guess all I can do now is pick up my sorry ass and go back to my studies and my sorry little life. Right now I don't like myself too much...

The day I was possessed by a deamon

I knew this would eventually happen and I tried to prepair myself for it, but when the moment of meeting my ex came, I just didn't know what to do. I'm sure whatever possessed me knew...
As I saw him passing behind my friend trying to pull I girl I got so mad that I threw my water bottle on the floor and it spilled all over the people who were around me. I'm so sorry!
I wanted to follow him but my friend didn't let me and then when I went to the bathroom he was there, talking to the girl. Bitch. Him, not her, I didn't even know the girl... And we talked, argued, I yelled, screamed, cried and we eventually hooked up. And cried, cried, cried...
I don't know what's gonna happen, I stopped analyzing everything it didn't work the first time and I don't think it's gonna work now... I felt good for a while, but now I'm feeling bad again because I went through his profile and saw things that pissed me off and now I'm all insecure, specially because I can't talk to him now... he's probably sleeping but my mind doesn't allow me to settle for that... this is just too abnoxious and I don't know what to do, I hate being in love with him, I just wanna let this go and yet, it's so hard... The worst thing is that I keep doing all this stuff that hurts me, like checking his profile and all.. I'm so pathetic... I better do something useful and go to bed...

Reasons why I should hate you

1. You are accomodated: why bother to improve in your job, you're not gonna lose it, right?!!?
2. You are stupid. I mean, really, you don't know the meaning of many words and it's not like I'm a scholar or something like that!
3. Your way of fun is to get drunk and eat barbecue with your friends!!!
4. You had a barbecue party at a friend's house, got drunk and forgot about me, then called me at 4am...
5. You made me spend our first anniversary travelling with your friends... what was I thinking?!!!!?! You might as well have them fuck you in the ass, ANYWAY!!
6. Your idea of a nice birthday present was to give me useful things... yeah, ok, that's helpful, but a girl needs to be spoiled sometimes. What's next, a blender?!?!?!?!
7. You have a horrible taste for music, if I can call it that...
8. Lastly, you're not that good in bed... Actually, I don't think you were good at all... just to lay there is not my type of fun and you could never make me come it if was the last think you had to do on Earth!

* I oughta print this and put it on my bedroom wall...

Letter

Letter

I cannot afford to NOT get in college because of someone else, neither can I let this affect me in a way that I lose my balance and concentration so, because of this, I decided to write a letter to my ex although I will not send it, it just a matter of letting all out, expressing the way I'm feeling since I feel sufocated by all of it.

"I hate all of of this, I hate that I love you that I miss you and most of all that it seems you do not feel the same. You can tell me as many times as you want that you miss me to and that you think about me everyday, but if that was true you would've come talk to me, and don't even say that the reason you haven't done that is because I told you so, if you really cared for me you wouldn't care, and would come talk to me. It's simple as that.
At the same time I hate you because I feel you betrayed me, you decided that we wouldn't stay together and just didn't let me know. You, slowly detached yourself from me and our relationship while having me by your side because it's easier this way and that's just not fair. I guess human beings are really rotten and this whole "better her than me" story really happens. I don't know what to think; either I feel as I was in a terminal stage of a fatal disease and you were just waiting for me to die (because it's better this way) or just very stupid and you were waiting for me to realize that it was all over and break up with you.
I can only say one thing: I'm more of a man than you are. You are low, very low and does not deserve my respect. I HAD the balls to put an end to this when actually you were the one that wanted this all along.
I hate it because it's not fair, you moved on and left me behind stuck on a dead-end relationship and that I cannot focus my life on anything else but you, bitch!
It's okay, I'll find someone who deserves me and I'll forget you, but you, you will remember for a long time."

The dialogue that should've happened

Bia: You do this every time! Every time! What? Do you have some sort of radar? Bia might be happy, it's time to sweep in and shit all over it?
Big: What? No, no, I came here to tell you something. I made a mistake. You and I...
Bia: You and I ... You can't not do this to me again! You can not jerk me around!
Big: Bia, listen to me. It is different this time.
Bia: Oh, it's never different! It's SEVEN years of never being different! This is it! I am done! Don't call me ever again! Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name! And you can drive up this street all you want... because I don't live here any more!

Unfortunately it didn't happen and the dialogue between Carrie and Big came a little early but it still fits perfectly. He just stays there like nothing is happening. Now he's back again and he's right: it's different. At least for me. Not that he has said any of those things, specially because he's not the type that says anything, ever, but the coming back and forth is the same. I have a feeling this may be good for me, something that only time can tell...

Humm...

I've come to the conclusion that love is like a drug, it is REALLY a chemical thing. I have my ups and downs all the time; one minute I'm completelly fine, and on the next one, I'm a wreck and as AA would say, live one day at a time.
The ironic thing is I can cheer some people up with the same problem but yet I can't bring myself together... ain't that a bitch.
But life goes on, I'll eventually forget my ex and move on and bla bla bla, but while that doesn't happen, I cry every other day. It sucks, hell, but at least I've been avoiding bugging people about it and I guess I've done a good job, because everybody keeps telling me how I have handled this so well. Whatever, here I go to cry again...

...

I'm so pathetic that it makes me sick. I have to study and all I can do is cry, stare at the computer and cry rivers. I cry because I don't have him anymore. I cry because it's not the way I planned; he doesn't want to stay with me enough to take me with him to wherever he goes. I cry because I don't think he cares. I cry because I belive he's reliefed. I cry because all of these things give me reasons enough to dislike him, but I don't.
Life sucks right now, and as much as I know this is best for me it just doesn't feel like, all I want is to give up and simply stop existing. I wish I had broken down yesterday not today; today I need to study, I need concentration and all I get is these stupid tears.
There's been a long time since I last felt this way, I thought it would stay like this for a long time but I'm back to my old me! I don't wanna be this way, I don't wanna whine, I just hope that everytime I post something it'll ease my pain. I'm glad I quit my job, otherwise I'd just be a wreck and not able to teach...
I hate this, I hate him and more than anything else, I hate him.

Done

I'm officialy single.

This gotta be enough

I am completely aware that I only write here to complain about my love life, but who else will put up with this crap besides a blog which is not entitled to have an opinion? Hahaha... I can bitch as much as I want and there's nobody to say a word about it.
So here we go again; but hoping this will be the last time; at least for this one.
Last night after saying goodbye to one od my classes, the very cute student I have there remained for last to say goodbye. Well, he almost kissed me. Four times. He hit on me BIG TIME. He wanted to give me a ride, but I refused, knowing that it would lead to something else because every time he came closer to kissed me, GOD, I wanted him to turn a little more...
Later on he came to talk to me over the internet and I gave him my phone number...
While we talked, I was looking through my bf's scraps and I saw a msg a guy left him and decided to read his reply. They were talking about where to go after graduation and he happily answered that he was going to Fort. and as I read that I started thinking to myself: "What am I doing with him? This relationship has no future whatsoever, I'm constantly being reminded that he's leaving (and I'm staying) and I'm passing all these opportunities to meet new people..."
I'm pretty sure that's why I gave the guy my phone # and something just clicked at that second! I gotta face this and break up with him, and as much as it hurts when I think about it, heck, it will eventually hurt anyway...
Plus, I'll feel pretty stupid when the end of the year comes and he's all happy to be moving and I'm here. He IS NOT going to change his mind and I got my whole life ahead of me to life and although I know I'm not gonna die because of this, it is still very difficult to do it.
So as for tomorrow, I'll be single again.

Welcome to your past

I'm going back to my teenage years. I quit my job and now I'm just studying. I'm a teenager again; it's not all that fun, after all, I'm the old lady in the middle of all those children, kinda scary even.
But I'm enjoying every minute and loving it. It's fun to be back to studies but with another point of view, now I really want to dive in the books. I'll pass, I'm sure, it's just almost impossible but I can. I feel like a caterpillar in a cocoon, waiting to become a butterfly.
I gotta set my mind to only this, but sometimes it's so difficult. I try to pretent that I don't care that my bf will be soon leaving, but deep inside I care and I feel this void that hurts like hell. What am I gonna do? Nothing. He doesn't want me to go. And then I read all his comments to people telling them how excited he is about leaving and even to me, and the only thing I can think of is how stupid I'm being.
It is a good thing that he'll be travelling for 3 weeks from Saturday. I'll get a glimpse of how is life without him; again, since I have forgotten the normal life I had even without him. I'm even more inclined to break up with him, but since I'm a big fat chicken, I'll wait until he comes back, and I'd have had a sample of being single and it may be easier, or not. Either way, I don't think I can scape now.
It might be a excellent thing! I'll only focus on studies and won't deviate anymore my attention from it... and be lost. I am so pathetic! Even more when I look at all those happy couples and I wish the same. Plans for the future, the certainty of something real and someone walking by my side. That's it. In 4 weeks I'll break up with him... should I...?
I AM a teenager, all these feelings mixed up are driving me crazy, and, by the way, I should be in bed by now. What's my problem??????????????????????

"How long before I get in
Before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide
Before I know what it feels like?
Where to, where do I go?
If you never try, then you'll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine?
Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand?
I’ll start before I can stop
Before I see things the right way up
All that noise, and all that sound
All those places that I have found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you'd understand"

Right now, I'm driven by my future success. Nothing else matters. Now, everything is so clear! It's just a matter of time. And as for my relationship, end or not, I don't care that much, I kinda can't belive I REALLY don't care, but so far I just don't. I'm obssessed by my studies and nothing else. So, if it ends, I'll probably won't date (or even go out!!) at least until I get in college... what a change... It's all so clear! This is what God wants me to do... and so do I!!!!!!

lOvEfOOl

"Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go"

And this is just another ordinary story of one more broken heart.
I'm trying to get used to the idea of being alone just to see how it feels; it really hurts. But I guess this what I'm supposed to do; it will hurt regarless if it's now or in 5 months. I'll miss a hell of a party though.

I am stupid.

That pretty much summarizes everything. I'm not quite sure what made me think that I was living a fairy tale and that I was going to live happily ever after, now come on, that doesn't happen with normal people, specially me (not that I'm normal, you know...). Deep inside, I belived that by the end of the year my boyfriend would realize how important I am to him and I'd go to wherever he's going to move to live with him and that would be the Cinderella tale... Yeah, not really.
I got sick and tired of hearing how great and all it's going to be living with the guys wherever, and although I tried to pretend that I wasn't completely out of the picture it still hurts me. Then today I finally got the guts to tell him how I felt excluded and that I also thought we weren't going to stay together because I once told him (that I was told we weren't meant to be together and all...). The truth is I was just told I wasn't going to end my life by his side... meaning we could actually stay together for many years before we really split; but with the mess I made, I was sure that we weren't staying together because I told him that, not because it was meant to be this way... Hence, I felt that his inner self was saying 'I love you, but because we'll soon be splitting I won't get too attached'.
This morning I lovely heard 'I'm sorry, I don't like to hurt you, I hate to do that'. Well, hello! Did I miss something or did he just said 'Yeah, that's true, be prepaired because at the end of the year I'm sooo going to dump you'? 'What do you want me to do??' What the fuck do you think?????? Say we're not going to break up and I'll be moving in with you... How about that, huh?? 'I have never lived all by myself... and you have college...' Sure, as if living with a bunch of guys were the same as living alone... I haven't passed the freaking test yet, who said I'll be in school next year? Plus, I could take the test there too...
And I could tell him all that, but if he really wanted me to go with him he wouldn't be asking me questions so I could come up with answers, he would be bring the solutions... You know what, after hearing 'I want everything to stay the way it is (sure, it's pretty easy this way, he leaves at the end of the year and he'll be too busy addapting to the new place that he'll be over me in a blink of an eye, while I'll be left with all the memories to reminise... EXCELLENT!)' I just realized reality has come to bite me in the ass. And it hurts real bad.

Pathetic

There's this program on tv about women who are 30 something and single and looking for the perfect guy. It got me thinking...

Are we so pathetic to the point that if we don't have a mate our lives are worthless? Or being thirty and single IS pathetic? I honestly don't wanna be 30 and single. Is this something imposed by society or do we, human in such desperate need for company?

Just a thought.

To do list... again????

I have tons of things that I have to do... oh shit, by the way, I forgot to schedule the waxing... Hell, I'll do it tomorrow... IF... I don't forget it again...
Tomorrow I have to go to work... Friday I have the conference in SP... and... my boyfriend is finally home for a whole week!!!! YEY!!!
1. I need to take vitamins
2. Stop eating much chocolate
3. Not obssess too much about my b-friend. He's perfect and I'm seeing defects where there are none. Not healthy!
4. I need clothes. I mean, really.
5. Try to write here more... specially because I always have these great ideas and then I forget them all... Duh!

Whatever... Let's all just sing...

Sunday Morning
Sunday morning, rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you
That may be all I need
In darkness, she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning, rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you
And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Oh, come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow, driving slow (all I need, all I see)
oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah (bones with me)
I'm a flower in your hair
yeah yeah, yeah yeah"

Fallen

Lately I just want to post songs...
"Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told
I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than
I could bear
Though I've tried,
I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear"

Good Song...

Every now and then I listen to a good song that I belive it is worth to be remember... So here it is, When I Look To The Sky by Train...
When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And every word I didn't say caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away
And while I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way
Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it's impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by
And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me
When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

It goes on...

I used to think that if I had grown distant from a friend that it was all my fault; I had been working too much, just hanging out with my boyfriend and that I was neglecting my friends. Now I see that you can be distant and still be friends; everybody's got a life and we can't expect to live the same life as when we were in high school but there are some cases that one of the parties just give up.
I guess I'm good for advices and to listen to friends crying because of their shitty boyfriends when nobody else is paying attention, but that's pretty much it, other than that I'm just there, sitting in the corner...
I know it may sound stupid but I thought I would be one of those people who has friends forever and now that I see real life is not really like that, I feel so naive. When the person doesn't have time for you anymore, when you call and they're not there (ever), when eventually you find out that many things happen that you are not aware of (specially because it wasn't you they came to talk to about it), when it's your birthday and instead of being there with you to celebrate, they stay a couple of minutes only (you know, the social thing), when they lie/ommit things who thw hell knows why, the worst thing is, the person doesn't care. Or maybe that's how life is supposed to be and YOU are the one who's overreacting.
I'm not going to stop talking to people or being their friends, I now know that there's no such thing as a best friend forever, acquaintance maybe, but people do drift away from us and that's life. At least I know not to worry anymore.

What's to be expected

I've been somewhat frustrated with all... I've come to the conclusion that I hate my job. Not the place, not the people, nor the students, but the profession. So, I got my ass to sign up for the test to get another certificate. I can't keep complaining, so I AM doing something about it.
I'm frustrated that I feel like soon I'll lose my boyfriend and as much as I already knew this, I'm still not confortable with that. The time is coming and he kinda pretends it'll be okay but deep inside I know it won't. So I guess I just should be going on with my life as usual, and although I knew I should've kept my mouth shut, as I good PMS girl I broke down on the phone last night and of course, had to tell him why. And then, hours of silence on the phone, he felt bad, I felt worse because like I said, I shouldn't have said anything. Now, he'll probably not say anything else to me, and I'll stop being the one he goes and tells everything. It hurts, I know, but I gotta let him go and focus myself on my job and what I want to o with my life and of course, God and my spirituality.
BAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I'm calling it quits

I've come to the conclusion that I hate what I do. It's a dead-end job, it's not taking me anywhere, and it sucks.
I wasn't planning on sticking with it for too long, but I thought it would still take me another semester teaching before I moved on. But I'm having this feeling that this should be my last semester.
But it's just awful! I hate it, I'm miserable... well, can't complain forever, gotta do something, so I am. I'm gonna take another test for another certificate and then go to college, anything!
SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memory Check

Stay away from alcohol.
That's all I need to remember. REALLY.

Good Bye

Four days before my birthday my ex-boyfriend got killed. Why? Don't know yet. I just know that there is his ex and her brother and drugs involved. Funny that I always thought this was going to happen. And with the same characters.
I'm somewhat lost and confused, and not because I still have feelings for him, but because it is all so surreal... I just want to know why. It is strange and weird, I saw the picture of the girl and she's butt ugly. And to think that the possible motive was something that I went through with him before, what broke us up. He could not hold his dick in his pants. My solution was to punch him on the face. Not only worked, but it gave me satisfaction, humiliation for him and yet, it kept me out of jail.
She's 19 years old and she's facing capital murder for double homicide. What a way to end teenage years and a relationship. If I had known I would have told her that this was not worth the headache. Probably would recomment the same thing I did. But not taking away his life. He deserved to be alive so someone could break his heart in behalf of all of us.
But she did it. And now, I look at her picture and I think how pathetic she is. And I want to hate her and I can't; I only feel sorry that she completely lost it to the point of losing her own life. Stupid. A stupid motive. A stupid action. And the consequences are endless.
I wish I could have told her; I wish I could have done something. But then again, I know nobody would have listened to me and it could have been me in that car. I can't change what happened, even if I tried to prevent, it would have still happened. I thank God for pulling me out of that situation and bringing me home. I'm save and alive. I cannot say that for both of them.
I am heart broken; but not because I'm in love with him, but because someone that I dated for over a year has been killed, brutally. Now what?
The girl goes to trial, will be judged and then what? Is his family going to get some closure? Is HE going to get closure? Am I? I will, eventually, but sometimes I cannot prevent this overwhelmed feeling of frustration. I'm so sorry that his life had to end this way, I pray to God that he finds his way in God's light and do not seek for revenge. I hope that the 5 minute talk we had back in the days about spirits recompensate now. I hope he remembers what I told him, I hope that now that he sees that he's eternal he belives it and tries to move on with his life.
I know I will.