I said it before and let me say it again

Even when we know that something is gonna happen, is horrible to be sure of it.
I don't like the idea of knowing that you're killing yourself and soon you'll be gone.
I can't change it and as much as I know its not my fault that this is happening, I feel like maybe I could've change it if I was there. The only thing I know I can and will do is pray for you, so when this sad time comes someone will be there to rescue you. I'll pray that you go in peace, I pray that someone will be there to help you, and I pray that someday we'll see each other again. I love you and forever I will.

I FUCKIN' HATE IT!

I hate pms! I am a mess! I'm in pain and my mind is lost... I've been thinking about crazy stuff, I'm going nuts!! Damn hormones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it...

cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
about the things caught in my mind
and as the day is dawning my plane flew away
with all the things caught in my mind

and I wanna be there when you're coming down
and I wanna be there when you hit the ground

so don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

damn my situation and the games i have to play
with all the things caught in my mind
damn my education i can't find the words to say
about the things caught in my mind

and I wanna be there when you're coming down
and I wanna be there when you hit the ground

so don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

me and you what's going on?
all we seem to know is how to show the feelings that are wrong

so don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

and don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right (x3)

so don't go away

Loosing it...

If you're really gone as I think, I guess it will take a while for me to find out... And this is for you... I hope I'm wrong, but knowing you, have this feeling that I'm right, and I wish you peace and may God lead you to the right path, I'll be praying for you.

Scientist

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me, and come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start.

My own worse enemy

"So what am I?
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own"

It's easy to point out other's problems, but when it comes to my own, I'm a total failure. Well, giving a second thought, I know what my problem is, but I just can't solve it. I almost hate myself. My best relationship with my mother is when I'm as far as possible from her, I cannot look myself in the fucking mirror, and yet, I keep eatting like a fucking whore.
So, whats wrong with me? My best friend is skin and bones, lives on a liquid diet, and here I am, listening to her complaining of how fat she is while having a fucking flat stoamach and when I look at myself in the mirror I feel disgusted. And still can't stop eatting. It doesn't matter how much I work out, I won't lose any weight because I still eat and I hate myself for that.
My father struggles to sell this house, we barely have money to eat, well, at least I got a job now. I could die now. Its about time, isn't it? No daughter to argue with, one less mouth at the table, one less nasty, disgusting bitch. I couldn't ever bring myself to kill me, I know how wrong that is.
Sometimes I wish I was ignorant enough to not know this and just get it over with. Or at least have the guts to stick my finger down my throw. I'm done with myself, I'm tired of trying to be strong about every fucking little that is happening, I'm falling apart already, and for Christ's sake, I wanna fall apart, I a fucking weak human being.
Call me weak, call me stupid, I know I'm all of these things, I want to change, but right know I don't know what to do. Tuesday I gotta go to court and face that insane that hit me during that stupid party. CAN'T WAIT! Maybe she'll hit me again, that would be so fun! I'm stressed, upset, depressed, nobody notices, why would they? I cry for any fucking reason, right?
Here I am, in my own little dark room where no one will find me.

From: Wolf
To: "Angry Girl"
Subject: Hello
Date: Fri, 26 Sep 2003 06:19:19 -0700


Yeah I'm here. Alive at least. I got stung by a damn bee in my car this morning. I squashed that little bitch into the ground though. :) . Fuckin hand still hurts. why would I need to practice another language? Your the only girl I know that I'd be able to speak it with and of course your not here for me to talk to directly. :( . Hows school and work comming along? Are you being a "good girl" lol. Had to say that. I saw an old picture of us at christmas the other day. I imagine your twice the beautiful woman you used to be. Hopefully one day I will be able to see that woman again and maybe have a little chat with her. :)
>Which reminds me .. COME BACK TO THE STATES ALREADY!
> >:P
>
>Love ya,
> Wolf

"As Asas de Ângela"
É atribuído a um Espírito

"Eu aprendi que não posso exigir o amor de ninguém.

Posso apenas dar boas razões para que gostem de mim, e ter paciência para que a vida faça o resto; que não importa o quanto certas coisas são importantes para mim, tem gente que não dá a mínima, e jamais conseguirei convencê-las; que posso passar anos construindo uma verdade, e destruí-la em apenas alguns segundos.

Eu aprendi que posso usar o meu charme por apenas 15 minutos; depois disso, preciso saber do que estou falando; que posso fazer algo em um minuto, e ter que responder por isso o resto da vida; que por mais que você corte um pão em fatias, este pão continua tendo duas faces, e o mesmo vale para tudo que cortamos de nosso caminho.

Eu aprendi que vai demorar muito para me transformar na pessoa que quero ser, e devo ter paciência; que posso ir além dos limites que eu própria me coloquei; que preciso escolher entre controlar meu pensamento, ou ser controlada por ele.

Eu aprendi que os heróis são pessoas que fazem o que acham que devem fazer naquele momento, independente do medo que sentem; que perdoar exige muita prática; que há muita gente que gosta de mim, mas que não consegue expressar isso.

Eu aprendi que, nos momentos mais difíceis, a ajuda veio justamente daquela pessoa que eu achava que ia tentar piorar minha vida; que posso ficar furiosa, tenho o direito de me irritar, mas não tenho o direito de ser cruel; que jamais posso dizer a uma criança que seus sonhos são impossíveis. Será uma tragédia para o mundo se eu consigo convencê-la disso.

Eu aprendi que meu melhor amigo vai me machucar de vez em quando, e que tenho que me acostumar com isso; que não é o bastante ser perdoada pelos outros, eu preciso me perdoar primeiro; que não importa o quanto meu coração esteja sofrendo, o mundo não vai parar por causa disso.

Eu aprendi que as circunstâncias de minha infância são responsáveis pelo que sou, mas não pelas escolhas que fiz quando adulta; que numa briga, eu preciso escolher de que lado estou, mesmo quando não quero me envolver; que, quando duas pessoas discutem, não significa que elas se odeiam. E, quando duas pessoas não discutem, não significa que elas se amam.

Eu aprendi que por mais que eu queira proteger meus filhos, eles vão se machucar, e eu também serei machucada, isso faz parte da vida; que minha existência pode mudar para sempre em poucas horas, por causa de gente que nunca vi antes; que diplomas na parede não me fazem mais respeitável ou mais sábia.

Eu aprendi que a palavra amor perde o seu sentido quando usada sem critério; que certas pessoas vão embora de qualquer maneira; que é difícil traçar uma linha entre ser gentil, não ferir as pessoas, e saber lutar pelas coisas que eu acredito.

Eu aprendi que: Se eu me amar posso ser feliz."

To do List

* Sell my house
* Apply for the green card lottery
* Update my pc
* Save up more money
* More money
* Start my portfolio
* Apply for scholarships on California
* More money
* Be happy!

Cali...

"Someday,
When my life has passed me by
I lay around and wonder why you were always there for me
One way,
In the eyes of a passerby
I look around for another try
And fade away
Just close your eyes and I'll take you there
This place is warm without a care
We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea
I go to leave and you reach for me
Some say,
better things will come our way
no matter what they try to say
you were always there for me
Someway,
When the sun begins to shine
I hear a song from
another time
And fade away
And fade away
Someone said you tried to long
Someone said we got it all
Someone said we tried to long
Is there a place where I belong
So far, so long
so far away
so far, so wrong
so far away
Away, away..."

This song reminds me of California... I wonder how Ashley is doing...

What the night brings to us

In the past weekend I went to Sirena and had a blast. I met this guy from Rio de Janeiro and we hooked up... no biggie... he wanted my phone number and said he was going to visit me b/c his cousin lives here... yeah, right, I've been wainting him to call...
Yesterday I went out in town and it was one of the best nights I had...
I danced all night long and kept running into people that I haven't seen in ages...
* Stupid thing of the night:
Here I was, just walking around when I see a familiar face...
Next scene: That stupid asshole who I thought wasn't going to show up eventually did... the problem was, I had already made out with the first guy, which happens to be the asshole's sister's ex... Isn't my actions funny? I really thought he wasn't going to show up, otherwise I wouldn't have hooked up with the guy in the first place...
Well, when I saw him that night (thank God I was alone and he have no idea what hapened) he came to say hello and he was all "How you'doin", and then this other guy started joking saying that he saw me kissing someone... I think he got mad with that, b/c I was supposed to see him today and he simply disappear...
I know that he's GAY! One time he's all over me, and in the next moment he pretends that nothing happened...
Aside from that, I'm loving my job, I'm having so much fun lately, and I can't wait for the end of 2004... here I go again... :P

Sex songs?

Ben Harper - Sexual Healing
Matchbox - Disease (accoustic)
U2 - In a Little While
Puddle of Mudd - Blurry
Audioslave - Like a Stone
Live - Dolphin's Cry
Santana & Chad Groeger - Why don't you and I
Fiona Apple - Criminal
3 Doors Down - When I'm gone
Gavin Rossdale - Adrenaline
Marlin Manson - Sweet Dreams
Ja Rule - Murder

I've been thinking about so many things... Don't know where to start...
He's back, from hell, probably... Its weird, but I'm not mad, actually, I've heard some pretty interesting stuff.
My friend might die...
October... Thats the month...
Still saving up money, not changing my mind...

"Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
and head back to the milky way?
And tell, me did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me
while you were looking for yourself out there?"

Gotta keep it for the record

From: Wolf
To: "Angry Girl"
Subject: RE: Hey babe
Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2003 17:35:59 -0700


awe. I'm sorry that it kinda hit you in the wrong spot. I was just joking around. I still love ya.
I hope you come to see me when you get into the states. I'd really like it. One day I will find my way to happiness. Be it as it may, I want you to know that I am sorry for all the grief I caused you back then and that I am still a friend and hopefully I am still a close friend. Keep in touch babe.

Love you,
Wolf

Dolphin's Cry

The way you're bathed in light
Reminds me of that night
God laid me down into your rose garden of trust
And I was swept away
With nothin' left to say
Some helpless fool
Yeah I was lost in a swoon of peace
You're all I need to find
So when the time is right
Come to me sweetly, come to me
Come to me

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Oh yeah, we meet again
It's like we never left
Time in between was just a dream
Did we leave this place?
This crazy fog surrounds me
You wrap your legs around me
All I can do to try and breathe
Let me breathe so that I
So we can go together!

Love will lead us, alright
Love will lead us, she will lead us
Can you hear the dolphin's cry?
See the road rise up to meet us
It's in the air we breathe tonight
Love will lead us, she will lead us

Life is like a shooting star
It don't matter who you are
If you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time
We are lost 'til we are found
This phoenix rises up from the ground
And all these wars are over

What goes around unfortunetly comes around

First comes this...

well, I don't know how to tell you this but, after six months my marriage went
down the tube. She and I have seperated and gone our spereate ways. well.. my
saying works... SHIT HAPPENS! .. all I can do is move on from here. I really do
miss us being able to tell each other everything. espically in person. Hopefully
I will get to see you again someday.

I work at First tape and label. We make tire labels for lare tire companys. I
work for the quality department and make sure that everything that goes out of
our warehouse is presentable to the companies. so I have a kinda stressful job.
But it pays my bills.

I really miss you. Look up how much it will cost for me to get you down here
for a month or so. I am being totally serious so dont fuck around. Got me? I
want to see you.. talk to you... be able to fucking hug you like I used to. I
made a lot of mistakes in the past and I make a lot of mistakes now.. but just
maybe I'm a little more mature than I used to be. It's really never been the
same without you here, but I've never really had the balls to say that to you.
I'm no longer married and I really don't have anything to lose by putting my
feelings out in the open. I've been crushed before and I'll be crushed a few
more times before I finally find my way in life. I hope you understand.

I miss you
Wolf

then this, after my reply...

hehe .. I have something to say that you'd slap me for if you were here....
BUT I'M GONNA SAY IT CAUSE YOU CAN'T SLAP ME!!!

"When are you gonna put some more footprints on my windshield???"

MUHAHAH!!!

Love ya,
Wolf


-----Original Message-----
From: "Angry Girl"
Sent: Mon, 25 Aug 2003 03:57:24 +0000
To: "wolf"
Subject: Re: Hey babe

I am really sorry to hear that about your marriage, maybe that's just a
phase and both of you only need a time apart from each other, I mean, who
knows, I wish the best for ya...
It sounds that your work is very stressfull, but it sounds like that is
much more responsability too and it looks like you can progress there more
than in some other job like restaurants and stuff like that. More important:
it pays bills... I totally understand that! LOL
As for me visiting you I don't think I can do it anytime soon (and by
that I mean in less than a year) b/c of my job, I won't be able to get out
of it. But I plan on visiting the US again, so whenever I think the
appropriate time comes I'll let you know.
Everybody made mistakes in the past and keep on making them but what
shows that we really have gotten more mature is when we don't make the same
mistakes and learn from them. People get in our lives for a reason and
things never go back to the way they used to be after them b/c thats the way
life goes. Just don't loose your faith on people, okay? Others will break
your heart too but in the end it all pays off. I guess I better go now,
don't be a stranger no more, keep in touch...

Angry Girl

...Is it?

It seems like everything is falling into place. I finally got a job and it looks like I'll finally save up money to leave. I know what I'm talking about. I never expected that I'd like it, and you know what, I love it! Now, the funny thing that happened at work... I found out that an exgirlfriend of this guy that i know is in my class. Thats not the funny part. She knows Victor, the guy I went out for a while and I dismissed b/c he JUST had a girlfriend... Whats so funny about? She said he used to talk about me all the time and how he liked me and really wanted to be with me. Now that's funny! And still he loved her girlfriend and bla, bla, bla... Whatever! What did he expected? To have both of us? Yeah right. The sad thing is that I was really into him, really liked to be with him. Oh well, that was his choice. Looking at the bright side, if I had dated him, now I could've been the one with horns...

Hahaha

I ignored you at the mall and it was sooooooooo funny.
Still hurts though.

Works for me

I finally got a job, I can't belive it... and the lady who interviewed me said that I have a great English (do I????????). I just hope I do it well, I'm kinda scared of messing up. But whatever, I have to try, don't I, this is an amazing chance to get all the stuff I want done. Thank you God!!!!!!!!! And as I can see there's more coming that I can't talk about it for now. Get back to me on that in about a month
:P


"[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I cant wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I cant wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing Ive become"

Unwell

All day
Staring at the ceiling
Makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
and I don't know why
Well I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me,
talking to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talkin' bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think that there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin
Somehow I've lost my mind
I've been talkin in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

For Christ's sake!!

Please God, let me get this job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please God I really, really, really need this money...
Oh, and God, please, would somebody buy this house?????????

Pff

I don't know what the fuck is my problem, I know should be over you, but hell, I thought I was but I guess I was wrong. Fuck it, fuck you. Just leave me the hell alone. Don't want no emails, no fowards, no seeing on the streets.
I lost the game. I'll get over it. But for now, the only way I can handle this is not seeing, talking or even hearing about you. Go to hell, forget you! It might be a little too childish but I don't want to be your friend. At least not right now. This is not about ego, I wish it was, I'm sure I'd be over you by now. Maybe this is the way I tell myself that I let it happen and I have to deal with the consequences. Hell if I care.
I hate myself so fucking much for not letting this go and I want to forget it so bad. Fuck everybody that says I gotta let you go. I know it, don't need anybody reminding me of that. It is so much easier to say that when it happens to other people.
I don't want a boyfriend and I surely don't want your friendship right now. It still hurts to know that when I get this retarded forward letters about people and everything you write I already knew the answers. At least you know I'll be the only person you're sure is not gonna write you back. I think that what makes me even madder is b/c it still bothers me. I don't wanna be a human being. I don't wanna fall in love with the wrong person. I don't wanna have a hard time to get over them. I wanna be a seahorse in my next life.

There is so fucking much in my head and I just can't put it on paper. On the blog. Whatever.
I'm scared, but I wanna do this. I want this so bad, sometimes I think its b/c I want you.
I'm not supposed to want this, to want you. Maybe I'll throw this all up for nothing, I'll loose time, money, a piece of my heart. I'm keeping this to myself.
Fuck it. I hate when the words go lost in my head... and to make it even worse all this things are running through my head and I can't write it down.
Everybody tells me the same thing, what I belive, or that I want to belive? You say what you want, and it sounds like fantasy. R we fantasizing about us? R we imagining things in a way that is not real? Could real life be different and not the way we want it to be? I don't know, I guess I'm just afraid to loose you in the most precious way I can have you. My friend.

Where did it go?

You know that your life is pretty pathetic when you are heading outside and this conversation follows:
Mom: Where r you going?
Me: To the gym?
Mom: Saturday night????
Me: I don't have a social live, so I might as well work out!
Mom with a pitty look on her face: Oh, how sad...

I know why...

"It's summer, I can taste the salty sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me"

I'm beggining to realize WHY I don't want a boyfriend. Everytime I think about someone I compair them to Pedro. Am I EVER going to get over him? I feel like a fucking teenage girl... I saw him with his girlfriend at Blockbuster last Saturday, more than ever, I felt so pathetic. Its her, not me, can't I see it?
I guess in a way its good that I don't want anybody, at least I won't be disappointed b/c the person is not him. I noticed that today. I was thinking about a song and sunddenly I had this overwhelming feeling that any potential or, at leastI last guy I went out, wouldn't like it or at least wouldn't enjoy it as I know he would. As ridiculous as it sounds, I know that somethings that I like, I would want to do, even would say, nobody would give me the same response that he would. And, I don't understand, it was everything so perfect, I guess that was the problem, nothing is supposed to be perfect, when it is, its not mean to be.
I know that this feeling that I won't ever find someone like that will go away when I get over him, and by God, I've done everything I know or people told me to do. At the same Saturday I read this text that said that we SHOULD allow ourselves to reminese, think about it, and cry as much as I can so the feeling would run out and we will eventually let go of it. Does it work? I'm trying everything and this fucking PMS is not helping me.
I guess I'm more aware of my reality (its her, not me) but I won't lie that deep inside of me I wish still it was me. Specially when I remember the good stuff.
It will go away, right, I will forget him?
I hate PMS, I KNOW I am depressed b/c of it. Its fucking almost 4am and I'm still here, on internet, no job, no life, with cramps and I still plan on taking a shower before I go to bed. Tomorrow I will wake up late and have the same little frustrating and useless life. I'm mad at myself b/c I keep on fucking eatting chocolate and I'm still fucking fat. Its a fucking circle!
I know its not the end of the world and I will get over him. But right now I don't wanna be strong, I just wanna be like any other human being and cry b/c my heart was broken.

I feel like:
Pink - Just like a Pill

"I’m lyin’ here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I’m cryin’ here, what have you done
I thought it would be fun"

Don't be my Valentine...

This was from farest the best v-day I ever had. I went to a party in a club called "The non-Valantine Party" (or whatever the called it!) and had the time of my life. My and my friends danced all night and if that wasn't enough a really cute barman flirted with me the whole night... well... needless to say that I kissed him. Later on another guy asked my phone number. I really don't think any of them will call me, and then again, I don't want them to call me... Like I said I WANT to be single.
I thought my night was over by then, but as I stayed in line with my friends to pay our cards, I saw this guy that a had a crush last year and I thought that he didn't even know I exist... Well, he does, and he made sure he told me how pretty he thought I was... I blushed right there, I didn't see that coming and I love it... He is so shy and I could notice that the only reason the got the balls to tell me that was b/c he was a little drunk. I know I kissed the other dude, but you know what, who cares, I couldn't let the opportunty go of kissing him b/c I wanted more than anything else and if I had known he was there, I wouldn't even had notice the first dude.
But you know what, I'm single, nobody pays my bills and I kiss whoever and how many guys I want. I just regret not telling him to call me, but then again, he IS the perfect catch, and I don't think I need one of those right now...

Maybe 3...

I'm getting the heck outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Only When I Sleep

You're only just a dream boat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast

But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe
Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside down
But it's only when I sleep

And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappeared
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm working through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep

It's reaching through my skin
Moving from within
And clutches at my breast
But it's only when I sleep...

Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian high
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian high

I can't thank enough!

When I walked to the club last night and I sae Felipe I couldn't belive my eyes. He's from the country and we used to meet in Ilhabela every vacation until I was 17... I had the longest crush on him since I was 13. But hey, life goes on, we live way too apart from each other and I'd never work out. So we went on with our lives, my father sold the house we had in Ilhabela and I never got the chance to see him again, until last night...
I had my night all planned. Went to the movies with my sisters and a friend and go home and sleep. I don't know why, but by the end of the movie I started to have this feeling on my guts that I HAD to go out. My friend coincidently called me and we ended up going out at 1am!! As afraid as we were of not getting in, I was sure that we were going to and THAT was the club, I didn't wanna go any place else. And the ironic thing is that I don't really like that club, specially on Saturday.
As I walked closer to the door I saw him. I frozed up, my legs started to shake and I felt tingling all over... It was so weird. What was he doing here??? We finally talked and he told me that his college plus a bunch of others were playing in town. He got in with my and my friend and we spent the whole night together, I was so thrilled about it, couldn't belive what was happening. He left with me and after I dropped off my friend at her house we went to the school they were staying... and it was on my street!! I spent the night with him, and in oh, so many ways!! Hahahha... Not to be a hypocrit, I wanted, so did he, I don't owne anythying to anybody and who knows when I might see him again? No regrets, it was one of the best nights of my life even with the people on the dorms playing drums and all... I got home around 8:30am, they ended up getting kicked out of town and had to leave early.
He gave me his phone number. I'll probably call him sometime this week, after all I don't wanna loose touch. I know this is not going anywhere, but who cares, the moment was sooooo worth it! I love it! I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful present from God. But thank You, God!!!!!! I can't thank enough!

New me

When I was a teenager I used to be authentic, used to dress up uniquely, used to be myself. I don't know why, but after I went to the US I lost that identity. Maybe b/c I felt like I "had to blend" there, I had to fit, b/c it wasn't my home and even when I came back I was just the same.
Before that, everytime I broke up with some one or that I thought that I need a change I'd dye my hair red. Okay, it was always the same colour (well, once I dyed black...), but for me it ment a turning point on whatever was going on. I also remember I had my own way to dress up, sometimes I was wearing all black, other time I would have a skirt on with little chinese shoes and a coat, very girly!! But I was always my way...
Today I decided I had to go back to that, it was fun, and even when I would dress up weirdly I was happy about it, b/c it was different. It never was something bizarr like pink hair, weird clothes. I dyed my hair and had my sister to cut my bangs and had my toe and finger nails done. Chocolate, a light brown. And then you say... SO? Well, I've always hated dark nails, and NEVER, EVER had my toes done. And just to allow myself to do so, I've changed. It feels great. Its retarded, I know, but who cares.... :)

"Love comes and goes and often it has paused. Then it comes back to see the damage it has caused"
It came tonight.

Fuck it...

Almost 3 months without talking, seeing or even hearing about Pedro. It was too good to be true of course. I saw him today at the College Games WITH A GIRL. How nice. She was really short, so guess it might have been his ex... well, not so ex now...
I don't know, I wanna belive also that it was his ex, I guess it hurts less... I just so hate this whole situation, I wish I was over him, it would have been a whole lot easier, but instead, I'm still in love with him, completely. Guys come and go and he's still on my mind. The ironic thing is that I thought about him a couple of days ago and when I told my friend she said that i could've been just lonely and I told her it wasn't it, I really missed him, and tonight I hat that confirmed.
I'm such a pathetic looser... I'm in love with a stupid guy who doesn't love me back. Okay. It's official, I hate myself for that.
Fuck it, fuck him, fuck what feel for him. Fuck it all.

Finally!!

I don't have much to say besides that I kissed... We'll see. I'm happy with that already.

Every fucking time...

I really thought that suddenly i was going to see my weight change. Its been the same forever!! I thought I was going to loose some, but didn't. Now, the cool thing is that even though I haven't loose weight I gained more muscles and lost fat. Good job for me then. SInce its been working for the past year screw the scale and I'm keeping the same routine I have. I don't mind if it takes forever until I gain the shape I want, I'm not going to loose 8609509507kg all in once to gain it all back later. Slowly muscles starts to show and fat starts to disappear, clothes come loose and I come happier than ever. Thats what matters, right? Not much people noticed this, maybe just my sister, actually, but I know that next summer I'll feel more confortable on the beach and I'll finally use small bikinis (not that huge thing I've wore in the past summer). I don't care if people say I was okay before, okay is not good enough for me, plus, I'm doing this for myself, not anybody else.
Its not the fact that I'll look better that counts, but the fact that I got my sorry ass up and DID something to change what made me feel bad. Yey for me! :)

Countdown

Eight weeks from today I WILL change. I will be the way I've always wanted but never got the guts to do it. I know I have to be more disciplined (is that right???), stop with the junk food especially! I ate a little popocorn today and I shouldn't. I know is not much, but is all about discipline and i didn't do what I said I was going to. But I woke up today and went to the gym. Point for me.
Now, I think its better to go to bed if I want to try to go tomorrow. We'll see.
My cat died today too.
I've got cramps.
And amazingly I'm in a good mood. Actually I don't feel bad neither good, just listening to a reallt mellow song, but eveything is alright.
I WILL get that guy. Or I will finally give up b/c HE doesn't want me.
Whatever, I'm just nonsensing...

Traducao

As vezes me pergunto se,
Viverei o mesmo sem voce,
Se saberei te esquecer.
Mas passa um momento e voce sabe,
Sabe tudo aquilo que eu queria
Inesquecivel desde ja!

Lembra uma outra historia que,
O tempo leva embora consigo,
Nao me deixe mais!
Nao me deixe!
E quando mais me falta, mais voce esta
Ao centro dos meus pensamentos
Nao me deixe mais
Porque desde ja sera
Inesquecivel

Com a tua voz, a alegria
Que dentro de mim nao vai mais embora
Como uma tatuagem sob a pele.
Me vejo dentro dos seus olhos,
Te procuro quando nao esta
Sobre meus labios sinto a vontade
Que tenho de voce

Assim profundamente meu
Nao tenho nunca nada meu
Nao me deixe mais
Nao me deixe

E quanto mais te olho e mais voce sabe
De voce eu me apaixonei
Nao me deixe mais
Nao me deixe,
Nao o faça nunca, porque

Se olho o ceu
Eu sinto que sera
Inesquecivel desde ja. Oh nao!
Nao me deixe mais
Nao me deixe

Inesquecivel é voce
Na minha respiração e nos meus dias
Nao me deixe mais
Nao me deixe
Nao nao
(coro) E se fizer maior
Não me deixe dentro de mim

Nao me deixe
Esta vontade
Oh nao que tenho de ti
Não me deixe mais
Nao me deixe
Nao me deixe
Mais
E quando mais me falta,
mais voce esta
Sozinha sem voce
Ao centro dos
meus pensamentos
Nao me deixe mais
Nao me deixe mais
Agora e para sempre
Estara dentro
Dos meus olhos
Inesquecivel

Incancellabile - Laura Pausini

A volte mi domando se
vivrei lo stesso senza te
se ti saprei dimenticare
Ma passa un attimo e tu sei
sei tutto quello che vorrei
incancellabile oramai

Sembrava un’altra storia che
il tempo porta via con sé
Tu non lasciarmi mai
Tu non lasciarmi...
E più mi manchi e più tu stai
al centro dei pensieri miei
Tu non lasciarmi mai
perché oramai sarai
incancellabile

Con la tua voce l’allegria
che dentro me non va più via
come un tatuaggio sulla pelle
Ti vedo dentro gli occhi suoi
Ti cerco quando non ci sei
Sulle mie labbra sento la voglia che ho di te

Così profondamente mio
non ho mai avuto niente io
Tu non lasciarmi mai
Tu non lasciarmi...
E più ti guardo e più lo sai
di te io m’innamorerei
Tu non lasciarmi mai
Tu non lasciarmi
non farlo mai perché

Se guardo il cielo
io sento che sarai
incancellabile oramai

Tu non lasciarmi mai
Tu non lasciarmi...

Incancellabile tu sei
i miei respiri e i giorni miei
Tu non lasciarmi...

E si fa grande dentro me
questo bisogno che ho di te
E più mi manchi e più tu sei
al centro dei pensieri miei
Tu non lasciarmi mai
da sola senza te

Ora e per sempre resterai
dentro i miei occhi...
incancellabile!

Happy birthday to me!

There is nothing that could ruin this day! I've been having the best time since a week ago, when friend threw me a surprise b-day party, I was so happy and had so much fun!!!!!!!!!!
Today I went over my friend's house b/c it was her b-day too and I gave her present and I came back home. I kinda wanted to go out and do something, but I don't know, I have to wake up tomorrow early in the morning, so I'm pretty sure I'm staying at home.
My "friend" called be to wish me happy b-day... I was a little upset that he called but I was glad he remembered. I don't know, maybe someday it will stop hurting and we'll be friends again, for now, that ain't happening.
I'm also seeing someone, it will be a week tomorrow. But I don't know he broke up with this girl about 2 weeks ago and I don't wanna push it. To tell the truth, I don't know if I want something serius with him, I'm more go with the flow right now. I'm enjoying the moment for now and that's what matters. I had a great day today, it was actually pretty normal, just a few more people more than the usual called me but it doesn't really matter b/c its MY day, and I celebrated the way I wanted: happily.

"I was supposed to be
The heartbreaker
I was the one who
was supposed to survive
I wanted to break your heart
Just to save my own"

Artist : John Mayer
Song : Love Song For No One (Live)

This song's about... talkin to the person you haven't even met yet.
Maybe they're rollin' around in the hay with someone else,
but, they're not as good as you'll be... you just gotta wait your turn.
She's out there, he's out there,
they're just learning what to contrast you against.

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

This sucks! Its been over two weeks and although I'm really pissed at him I just can't let it go that easily. It hurts!! I've been used by him and I never thought I would and it hurts like hell. The good part of this is that I want more than ever to work out.
I'm so pathetic, I started this blog b/c of one guy and now, by the way, he has a girlfriend and I can careless, I keep writing about somebody else.
In 4 months it will be a year since it all started with my "ex-friend". Well, he used me, no good friend does that, so he ain't my friend no more.
Just changing the subject of a moment, I just remembered this song me and Vivi used to listen when we were in that crapy place:

Artist : 3lw
Song : No More

im gettin a little tired of yo broken promises promises
looking at your pager seeing different numbers and numbers
call you when your studying, hangin with the fellas the fellas
hanging with my girls you always gettin jealous 'n' jealous

i was with you when you didnt have no dollas no dollas,
hangin at the crib chillin wit yo momma yo momma
never fronted you never brought the drama the drama
now you flipped the script playa please

no im not the one...say it again say it again oh...no im not the one...
you do or you dont

{chorus}
you do or you dont dont
you will or you wont wont
no more no more baby ima do right
you can or you cant cant
be a man be a man man
no more no more baby ima do right

you treat me like a lady when you open doors and doors
but then you wanna front when you wit your boys your boys
how you gon play me when i bought yo clothes yo clothes
the clothes that you be wearin when you wit yo does yo does
you know you never thought that i would have the nerve the nerve..
you think about it more since you at the curb the curb
blowin up my pager say you want a chance a chance
listen when i say playa please

{chorus}
you do or you dont dont
you will or you wont wont
no more no more baby ima do right
you can or you cant cant
be a man be a man man
no more no more baby ima do right

i just wana know...what happened to our love?
we used to be best friends...where did it go wrong?
when ya gonna see how good it is with me
im tired...and im through with all your 'listen baby'

{Kiely Ki's rap}
hey yo your promised me kate spade...but that was last year
boy in the 8th grade...and you aint biggie baby boy so no it aint
one more chance...when your friends around you dont wana hold my
hand...and now you see a girl styling
and wildin inside the mix...hoppin
out the whips...the whips the five and six...
yes fly chrome..so pardon my tone
....here go a quater go call Tyrone

{chorus to fade}
you do or you dont dont
you will or you wont wont
no more no more baby ima do right
you can or you cant cant
be a man be a man man
no more no more baby ima do right
no im not the one sing it again sing it again
no im not the one im tired of hearing baby ima do right
no im not the one never again never again
no im not the one baby im not the one
no im not the one say it again sing it again

Artist: Pink
Song: Just Like A Pill

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

Listen to the song at 102.7 KIIS-FM L.A.'s #1 Hit Music Station!

Tomorrow will be a week since the last time we were together. Now I'm getting scared.You might show up anytime now. I hope not, I don't want that to happen b/c its won't be b/c you realize you wanna be with be but just b/c you might be bored. I'm so tired of this, I'm so tired of myself like this.
I gotta find someone else. I'm so tired of being lonely...... :(
O qq custa alguém gostar de mim?????????????

Its been so long since I last wrote.
I thought I shouldn't see you again but I did it last night. We ended up getting together and afterwards during a conversation you told me you couldn't fall in love again anytime soon. I couldn't get more the hint that you had no feelings for me whatsoever. And you also said that you cared a lot for me and liked me, thats all, and also that you belive that we fall in love with a person as time goes by.
Either way, I'm done. I love you and I know that as a fact and I just can't stand the idea that you don't love me back. I felt lonely and used. I don't belive that we "eventually" fall in love with someone, and even if that was true you had plenty of time to fall in love with me.
You know when we cut ourselves and then we need stiches, and how much annoying they are, and how much it hurts but we need to do that to get well? That's how I feel. I got myself "stiched" last night. It hurts like hell, but it is what I needed to do be okay.
I still love you and i know it will take a while until I let this go. I hope you don't call me b/c I really won't answer although I want to. I just can't stand the fact you don't love me back and I can't go on with that. I ought to just learn to let it go and move on. I hope you'll find someone someday you'll love. I wish I was her. Oh-well...
"You're in my mind
All of the time
I know that's not enough
If the sky can crack
There must be some way back
For love and only love"