lOvEfOOl

"Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go"

And this is just another ordinary story of one more broken heart.
I'm trying to get used to the idea of being alone just to see how it feels; it really hurts. But I guess this what I'm supposed to do; it will hurt regarless if it's now or in 5 months. I'll miss a hell of a party though.

I am stupid.

That pretty much summarizes everything. I'm not quite sure what made me think that I was living a fairy tale and that I was going to live happily ever after, now come on, that doesn't happen with normal people, specially me (not that I'm normal, you know...). Deep inside, I belived that by the end of the year my boyfriend would realize how important I am to him and I'd go to wherever he's going to move to live with him and that would be the Cinderella tale... Yeah, not really.
I got sick and tired of hearing how great and all it's going to be living with the guys wherever, and although I tried to pretend that I wasn't completely out of the picture it still hurts me. Then today I finally got the guts to tell him how I felt excluded and that I also thought we weren't going to stay together because I once told him (that I was told we weren't meant to be together and all...). The truth is I was just told I wasn't going to end my life by his side... meaning we could actually stay together for many years before we really split; but with the mess I made, I was sure that we weren't staying together because I told him that, not because it was meant to be this way... Hence, I felt that his inner self was saying 'I love you, but because we'll soon be splitting I won't get too attached'.
This morning I lovely heard 'I'm sorry, I don't like to hurt you, I hate to do that'. Well, hello! Did I miss something or did he just said 'Yeah, that's true, be prepaired because at the end of the year I'm sooo going to dump you'? 'What do you want me to do??' What the fuck do you think?????? Say we're not going to break up and I'll be moving in with you... How about that, huh?? 'I have never lived all by myself... and you have college...' Sure, as if living with a bunch of guys were the same as living alone... I haven't passed the freaking test yet, who said I'll be in school next year? Plus, I could take the test there too...
And I could tell him all that, but if he really wanted me to go with him he wouldn't be asking me questions so I could come up with answers, he would be bring the solutions... You know what, after hearing 'I want everything to stay the way it is (sure, it's pretty easy this way, he leaves at the end of the year and he'll be too busy addapting to the new place that he'll be over me in a blink of an eye, while I'll be left with all the memories to reminise... EXCELLENT!)' I just realized reality has come to bite me in the ass. And it hurts real bad.

Pathetic

There's this program on tv about women who are 30 something and single and looking for the perfect guy. It got me thinking...

Are we so pathetic to the point that if we don't have a mate our lives are worthless? Or being thirty and single IS pathetic? I honestly don't wanna be 30 and single. Is this something imposed by society or do we, human in such desperate need for company?

Just a thought.

To do list... again????

I have tons of things that I have to do... oh shit, by the way, I forgot to schedule the waxing... Hell, I'll do it tomorrow... IF... I don't forget it again...
Tomorrow I have to go to work... Friday I have the conference in SP... and... my boyfriend is finally home for a whole week!!!! YEY!!!
1. I need to take vitamins
2. Stop eating much chocolate
3. Not obssess too much about my b-friend. He's perfect and I'm seeing defects where there are none. Not healthy!
4. I need clothes. I mean, really.
5. Try to write here more... specially because I always have these great ideas and then I forget them all... Duh!

Whatever... Let's all just sing...

Sunday Morning
Sunday morning, rain is falling
Steal some covers, share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy
Living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you
That may be all I need
In darkness, she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning, rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you
And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Oh, come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow, driving slow (all I need, all I see)
oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah (bones with me)
I'm a flower in your hair
yeah yeah, yeah yeah"