My own worse enemy

"So what am I?
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own"

It's easy to point out other's problems, but when it comes to my own, I'm a total failure. Well, giving a second thought, I know what my problem is, but I just can't solve it. I almost hate myself. My best relationship with my mother is when I'm as far as possible from her, I cannot look myself in the fucking mirror, and yet, I keep eatting like a fucking whore.
So, whats wrong with me? My best friend is skin and bones, lives on a liquid diet, and here I am, listening to her complaining of how fat she is while having a fucking flat stoamach and when I look at myself in the mirror I feel disgusted. And still can't stop eatting. It doesn't matter how much I work out, I won't lose any weight because I still eat and I hate myself for that.
My father struggles to sell this house, we barely have money to eat, well, at least I got a job now. I could die now. Its about time, isn't it? No daughter to argue with, one less mouth at the table, one less nasty, disgusting bitch. I couldn't ever bring myself to kill me, I know how wrong that is.
Sometimes I wish I was ignorant enough to not know this and just get it over with. Or at least have the guts to stick my finger down my throw. I'm done with myself, I'm tired of trying to be strong about every fucking little that is happening, I'm falling apart already, and for Christ's sake, I wanna fall apart, I a fucking weak human being.
Call me weak, call me stupid, I know I'm all of these things, I want to change, but right know I don't know what to do. Tuesday I gotta go to court and face that insane that hit me during that stupid party. CAN'T WAIT! Maybe she'll hit me again, that would be so fun! I'm stressed, upset, depressed, nobody notices, why would they? I cry for any fucking reason, right?
Here I am, in my own little dark room where no one will find me.